


Way to Go

by princess_mouse



Category: Guns N' Roses
Genre: Anxiety, Flash Forward, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-07 22:52:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12242187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princess_mouse/pseuds/princess_mouse
Summary: Get off a my back, leave it be.Izzy tries to come to terms with his past.





	1. Chapter 1

**1980**

Izzy’s hands shook violently as he gripped the edge of the bathroom sink. Around him the room was spinning and his vision was blurred. He couldn’t hear that he was gasping desperately for air, panic setting in because he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs. Izzy felt like he was in a fish bowl all he heard were muffled sounds around him and he gripped the sink harder. He needed to be grounded. Everything was moving around him and he tried to shut his eyes to block it out. His body felt hot and sticky to the touch from the sweat slicking his skin. He was burning up but he shivered like he was freezing.

“Jeff, are you all right?”

A shudder ran through his body as memories he wanted to forget flashed through his mind. When his eyes were closed he could see those bad memories, the whooshing sound in his ears provided a soundtrack in his head while blocking out the real world around him. The dizziness overcame him and all he wanted to do was call out for his mom.

She was safe and he wanted to crawl into the safety of her arms.

“Jeff, open the door,” his mom said banging on the bathroom door.

**1985**

Slash sat patiently outside of the bathroom door. He was eternally grateful the other boys went out for the evening leaving him to deal with Izzy. His fingers picked at the shag carpet of their ramshackle home. It reminded him of plush green grass though grass would be cleaner. “Iz, open the door,” Slash huffed out. He pulled at a stray piece of the carpet as he waited.

It wasn’t unusual for Izzy to lock himself in the bathroom when he was having a breakdown. Everyone thought he was tripping from one of his many drug concoctions again. Slash understood it was something else, sometimes drugs brought out Izzy’s emotional side but other times something as simple as caressing his cheek set him off. Izzy rejected to talk to him about the nightmare filled nights and anxiety attacks. Other nights, he would tuck himself into Slash’s side and breath in the smell of Old Spice and tobacco.

“Common, tater tot. It’s only you and me here,” Slash said desperately. On the other side of the door he could hear heavy breathing and Izzy sobbing. His fingers pulled aggressively at the little piece of carpet he was picking at. He welcomed the distraction because he wasn’t a patient person. The only time he had patience was for Izzy and Duff. When these moments popped up, he had all the patience in the world. His constant worry outweighed his patience right now. Izzy’s last episode ended with him fainting and Slash nearly breaking the door down to get to him.

Inside Slash felt helpless. He couldn’t do anything to help Izzy through his anxiety attacks. He could wrap his arms around the stick thin man and coo sweet nothings in his ear. He would whisper ‘I love you’ and ‘I’m here for you’ on the daily. His thumb wicked away tears and his nose nuzzled Izzy’s when he wanted him to try to smile but that wouldn’t heal the emotional scars.

**1980**

Izzy took a long drag of the Marlboro resting between his lips. Beside him, Axl bobbed his knee nervously, fresh bruises were on his arms from his latest scuffle with his stepdad. His friend’s blue green eyes stared holes through him and he could tell Axl was itching to ask about the marks on Izzy’s own pale skin.

His throat stung from the ash and a familiar itch returned to his eyes. He inhaled more tobacco in hopes to settle his nerves. The cigarette prevented him from chewing at his already aching fingers. His nails dulled from his constant chewing and hours spent playing the guitar.

Axl couldn’t stop himself from staring because of the dark mark on Izzy’s neck. If Izzy was getting it on with someone, he wanted to know the details and who it was. “Who gave you that little treasure?” Axl teased as he leaned over and poked at Izzy’s neck playfully.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” Izzy screamed jerking away from his friend’s touch. His free hand slapped at Axl’s hand and he glared hatefully at him. The anger and alarm in his voice due to his outburst even surprised Izzy as he drew into himself.

It was out of line to scream at Axl. He didn’t scream at people or start fights. His throat started to tighten up and he felt like the world was closing in on him. His hands shook as he raised the cigarette back up to his lips. He breathed in the nicotine desperately to calm himself and the ash started to burn his throat again. Izzy didn’t realize the tears trailing down his cheeks or the way his chest was heaving as he breathed in the tobacco.

Axl watched him but instead of the typical outburst of anger the redhead always had, he could see anger wouldn’t solve anything. Izzy’s blue eyes were distant and the tears were something Axl hadn’t seen since childhood. “Iz, I’m not good with this stuff but you can talk to me,” Axl offered as he cautiously wrapped his arm around his friend’s shaking shoulders.

It hurt too much to open his mouth and try to force the words out. He didn’t have the words or know how to form them because if he said them aloud it would make them true. Instead he leaned into Axl’s embrace and closed his damp eyes. He tried to shape the words in his head and maybe once he was done his cigarette he could try saying something; anything.

**1985**

Izzy leaned his back against the bathroom door.

His thoughts swam around his head like a school of hungry piranhas. He hated the feeling of his skin crawling and the shaking of his hands. He pushed his fingers through his brown hair and tried to will the tears to stop. His boyfriend sat patiently on the other side of the door waiting to comfort him. Willing to hold him and love him unconditionally.

“Saul?” Izzy croaked out. His voice was small but to Slash it was loud.

Izzy’s mouth opened and closed multiply times as he tried to form words. The ones he didn’t have five years ago and didn’t think he would have now. Burying his face in his hands, he breathed in enough air to quiet the thoughts. “You need to promise not to be mad,” Izzy rasped out as he pulled his hands away from his face.

When he was with Slash he felt safe. In his anxiety induced state he knew he could call out for Saul unlike when he was a teenager and couldn’t call out to his mom. Open arms and a warm embrace awaited him on the other side of the door and he felt his mouth opening and closing again as he got the words in his head situated. The words would burn and taste acidic as he said them but he knew he could trust Saul.

“I’m out here when you’re ready,” Slash replied. The small piece of carpet was being rolled between his finger tips. “I’m right here,” he whispered to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was just a quick idea between writing a new story for a new fandom commission from my friend.  
> 


	2. Chapter 2

**1980**

“You’re so pretty,” the gruff voice whispered in the dark.

In Izzy’s world there was such a thing as a boogeyman. A monster that hid under his bed or more like around it. He was paralysed with fear and wished his voice worked. He closed his eyes and blocked out the feeling of the mattress dipping from the weight of the other body. His skin crawled from the touch of rough fingers against his skin. All he wanted to do was scream.

His long brunette hair was tucked behind his ear and unwanted lips kissed at his pale skin. He knew it wasn’t worth putting up a fight, he was weaker. He wasn’t Axl who could fight his way out of anything. The whole time he tried to escape into his mind and distance himself from the person on top of him.

“Pretty like your mama,” the voice said drawing Izzy back to room and caused tears to sting his eyes.

**1985**

Izzy curled his limbs around Slash and tried his best to steady his breathing.

He buried his face into his boyfriend’s firm chest and told himself he could do this. The spasm wracking his chest made it hard to speak but he found himself trying. His hyperventilated words drown out by his sobs. He managed to coax himself from the bathroom and freely into the safety of Slash’s arms. He allowed his boyfriend to lead him to their shared bedroom and they settled down on the bed.

“Izzy, baby? I haven’t caught a word you’ve said,” Slash said rubbing his boyfriend’s back.

They’d been at this for an hour. Every word Izzy managed to choke out into the confines of their room was lost in his sobs. Slash was infuriated that he didn’t understand. The anger within him caused him to push Izzy away from him as he slipped off their bed. He stormed down the hallway and away from the person he loved. His feet led him to the living room and he stomped his way over to the coffee table where a pad of paper and pen sat. He scooped the items up and made his way back to the bedroom. The place he left his boyfriend crying and trying to tell him what caused him the most pain in the world.

**1980**

Izzy couldn’t bring himself to get out of bed.

His body screamed in agony and his mind screamed of something worse. He considered how easy it would be to end it all. Snuff out his life before anything else could happen. Before he got used again.

He skipped school that day to stay in bed. His mom wasn’t home to chastise him for skipping and Paul had left for the day probably off to work or to sit at the bar. Izzy hated that he missed English. They were finishing off their graduating year with A Midsummer Nights Dream and he loved any opportunity to challenge his English teacher. School was a sanctuary for Izzy and he enjoyed going to class. His house was the prison.

A subtle tapping on the window drew Izzy from his dark thoughts.

“Hey, Jeffery open the damn window,” a familiar obnoxious voice yelled from the other side of his bedroom window.

Rolling over Izzy looked at his friend but he couldn’t bring himself to move again or cross the room to open the window. His pride hurt as bad as his body and the last thing he needed was to show weakness in front of the only person who mattered most to him.

“Common idiot. I brought you your stupid Shakespeare homework since you wouldn’t shut up about it,” Axl said tapping the worn out book on the glass.

Izzy inhaled a sharp breath and rolled back onto his side to stare at the wall. He couldn’t face his friend. He couldn’t let him in and allow him to sit in the prison that was his room. As much as he wanted the book he couldn’t open that window, open those wounds, and let Axl in. He didn’t deserve to be alive. He didn’t have any purpose left and everything valuable about him was gone. His throat constricted and he choked out a pitiful sob.

He was in a prison.

Axl kept tapping on the glass begging him to let him in.

**1985**

“Write it out for me tater tot,” Slash said as he dropped the pad of paper and pen down onto the bed.

He sat at the end of the bed and provided Izzy space. The silence and the odd sniffle filled the room. A shaking hand held the ballpoint pen and tried forming words in a familiar almost comforting way. Izzy’s mouth no longer tried to form the words in a way he never truly knew how. His hand did all the talking. The loops in his handwriting filled the empty lines. Tears were welling up but Izzy wouldn’t allow them to fall.

“What if this disgusts you?”

Slash’s head snapped up in response. Izzy’s head was downcast as he kept writing. “What if I love you enough to understand?” Slash countered.

“Then I’m a lucky man,” Izzy chuckled nervously.

**1980**

“Jeff, can I see you please?”

Those were some of the scariest words in the world to Izzy especially from his favorite teacher. Her kind face had concern written all over it as she gestured for him to take a seat. She tried to give him a smile but he knew she was genuinely concerned.

Izzy took a seat and obediently rested his hands in his lap. He wondered if this was concerning Axl who didn’t always attend his classes. Maybe it was about his scholarship. He looked up innocently and waited.

“Jeff, is something wrong?” Mrs. Connors asked. “I noticed you’ve been very distant lately and I happen to know you have a keen interest in Shakespeare.”

He wanted to recount everything on his mind that was bothering him. She always had his best interest in mind when she talked to him. “I’m just dealing with some family stuff,” Izzy said settling with blurred lines as an answer.

“You can talk to me. This is a safe place if there is something on your mind,” she offered. Her warm smile upon her aged face made Izzy think of his grandmother.

He reassured her that he was ok and tried to get her to leave him alone. He changed the subject to Shakespeare and how lately he read The Bell Jar because he was bored. Izzy used their interest in books to sway her away from personal questions till she smiled and said he could leave.

He walked home feeling numb. His shoulders slumped in defeat as he made his way back to the place his family called home. The place where maybe his mom would be home and he could sit with her while they watched Threes Company. His two older brothers had long escaped the confines of those walls and left Izzy behind. His dad was doing his stint in prison for another scam gone wrong so he couldn’t turn to him. Ahead he saw that his mom’s car was gone and the rusty red pick up of his mom’s boyfriend parked in the driveway.

Izzy couldn’t go home and be alone with that guy. He couldn’t stand another night of being touched by the disgusting man that occupied his bed and his mom’s. Turning on his heels he made his way back towards the center of the small town in hopes Axl would be at the park with his little siblings. He need to see the face of someone who would never hurt him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. 
> 
> It's just ultimately sad..


	3. Chapter 3

**1985**

_Dearest Saul,_

_I’ve never been one with words and you know that. You’ve known that for two years and for that I am truly sorry._

_I can’t say the words because it makes it real. I know it was real because it haunts me every day. I avoid the past because I can’t handle the pain of knowing I let it happen. The memories don’t fade away easily for me, they keep replaying. I hear him calling me pretty and that I am like my mama. Those words cut through my subconscious and make me sick._

_Sometimes you say things out of love and affection that remind me of things he said. Other times you touch me in a kind way and it brings back memories that aren’t pleasant. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing you aren’t him._

_You’ve only ever known me as Izzy Stradlin. You never knew me as Jeffery Isbell. As Izzy, I am your boyfriend who grew up in Lafayette and I’m best friends with Axl. I play rhythm guitar in our band and like to write music. But Jeffery was different, he grew up in Lafayette with Axl but he had a scholarship to Georgetown for English. His whole dream was going to university. That dream drastically changed when he was seventeen and his mom started dating Paul. Then the whole dream was to escape and become someone else._

_I don’t want pity but understanding. I don’t want you to look at me differently because of my past. My past is full of happiness and demons. When I was seventeen things changed. I changed and couldn’t prevent it. I couldn’t call out to my mom or dad for help and I let someone make me feel worthless and used. Five years later and I still feel dirty. I can’t put a single word down to what happened the list would be too long, whether it was rape or consensual over time. I didn’t want it but I did nothing to stop it._

_This is the person you so desperately want to help and know. The life I have now with you and our band is the most important thing to me. If I didn’t have music or writing for stability, I wouldn’t be here. Anyways, I need to stop writing because I can feel your eyes watching me. I know you are eager to know what is taking me so long. I want to say aloud what happened and you’re the one I want to be able to talk to when I am ready._

_For now, know that I love everything you do for me and the unconditional love you give._

_Forever yours,_

_Izzy_

It took him half an hour but his loopy handwriting filled the pages as he needed. The pen scratched out the final words and he signed his name. He didn’t want to prolong this any longer. “Here,” Izzy said handing the letter over to his boyfriend. He took that time to lean back against the pillows on the bed and close his eyes. He melted into the mattress and let the weight drift away from his body. His mind was clear for the first time in years.

**1980**

Leaning over the hood of the Chevelle, Izzy tried his best to figure out what was wrong with the car. A small smudge of grease was on his cheek and he chewed at his lip in a determined fashion.

“Move over princess,” Axl grumbled as he watched Izzy fidgeting with the car. He gently shoved his friend aside and looked at the engine. He didn’t know why Izzy had suddenly taken an interest in cars but it was a treat to be able to play with Izzy’s dad’s most prized possession. “You have oil on your face,” Axl laughed licking his thumb and caressing Izzy’s cheek.

The little cringe Izzy made over the spit on his cheek made Axl smile. He knew his friend didn’t like girls. He was aware that his interests were in the same sex but that didn’t change his opinion of Izzy. Since childhood he knew Izzy was different but he made life interesting.

“Gross,” Izzy whined as he rubbed his sleeve on his wet cheek.

Axl couldn’t stop his laugher as he watched Izzy fuss. “Oh, you liked it. Anyone in this town would love to swap spit with me,” the redhead said cockily.

“I doubt that,” Izzy shot back.

“Come here,” Axl said wiggling his finger in a come-hither motion.

Izzy shook his head defiantly and in his usual resistant nature tried to avoid Axl. The redhead followed him around the car and kept up his little game of telling Izzy to come to him. Maybe it was his boyhood crush or just his natural infinity to try resisting Axl but he wanted to go to him. He wanted whatever Axl would offer him because that would be wanted. He slowed his pace down enough for Axl to catch up and he could feel soft fingers brushing against his neck.

“Got you,” Axl whispered. His fingers twisted some of Izzy’s hair and he was suddenly thankful they were in the garage, away from prying eyes and judgement. His breath hitched when Izzy turned around and looked at him. There was nothing more beautiful than Izzy’s eyes and he allowed himself to enjoy them. As far as he was concerned he was straight but Izzy had more beauty than any girl in this town. From his hair to his intelligence, Axl couldn’t help but appreciate his friend.

He brought his free hand up to cup Izzy’s face and he took in the blue and gray hues of his best friend’s eyes. Eyes that carried such a wide range of emotion and what looked like pain. He could feel Izzy relaxing into the touch and letting his guard down. “Who was your first kiss?” Axl whispered in an impish manner.

“No one yet,” Izzy said feeling his cheeks heat up.

Axl smirked and rubbed his thumb over Izzy’s sharp cheekbone. He leaned down and gently pressed his lips to Izzy’s. He knew he couldn’t be Izzy’s first for many things but he could at least be his first kiss.

**1985**

Izzy was drawn from his thoughts by soft hands cupping his face. Warm brown eyes stared lovingly at him and he saw tears in Slash’s eyes.

“Saul, are you ok?” he said sitting up and trying to wipe the tears from his boyfriend’s eyes. All the love and softness he had went into his actions. He never saw tears in Slash’s eyes but he wanted nothing more than to wipe them away. His soft fingers wicked away the tears and he never felt more connected to the man in front of him.

“You’re far from disgusting and I love every ounce of you,” Slash said peppering kisses to his boyfriend’s cheeks. “Every single ounce you give me.”


	4. Chapter 4

**1985**

“It’s green,” Steven grumbled.

Duff clenched his jaw and stared daggers back at the shorter man. “It’s blue,” he snarled in pure frustration.

“Green idiot,” the blonde snapped back flicking a Cheerio at Duff.

A growl of anger ripped through Duff who picked up the insulting piece of food and flicked it back at Steven. “It’s blue you fucking twit!”

“Will you two shut the hell up?” Axl snipped from his spot at the kitchen table. He was trying to drink his coffee in peace and that seemed like an impossible task with these two picking at each other. “Slash asked us to keep it down and I’ve had it up to here,” Axl emphasised his point by raising his hand under his eyes and glared the most hateful look he could muster. “So, stop this childish debate. Duff’s hair was blue and even faded is blue. Now shut the hell up before that little terror wakes up and I am not talking about Slash.”

“Is Izzy on his period?” Steven giggled. He clasped his hand over his mouth and tried to hide his ridiculous smile.

Duff rolled his eyes and returned to his toast but not without comment, “Good job being an insensitive prick, Steven.”

“I’m not! You’re insensitive!”

Axl’s anger got the better of him and before he could stop himself, he slammed his mug down hard on the table. “Now get this through your head. Izzy is dealing with some stuff. Whenever you're down Izzy always cheers you up, right? Be a little more sensitive to the shit you say because friend or not to Slash, he will kick your ass,” Axl said in his matter of fact tone. His goal to keep his voice at a lower level was proving to be a challenge with these two.

“Duff started it,” Steven whined. His big blue eyes and pouty face were trying to win Axl over but he knew his game was lost. “You always side with Duff!”

“I don’t,” Axl said in a calmer tone, his free hand reached out to gently clasp his hand down onto the blonde’s shoulder. “Steven, Izzy’s really sad right now. We need to be more cautious of what we say and joke about. We’ve got to be supportive and show Izzy that he has friends that love him,” Axl offered Steven a smile of encouragement.

The kitchen grew quiet and everyone resumed their previous activities. Duff eventually couldn’t stand the silence. The fact that they were sitting in the kitchen doing nothing made him feel useless. “We should clean the house,” Duff suggested pushing his chair back. He needed to do something and Izzy had complained the house was a mess the other day.

**1980**

Izzy’s mom stood at the sink washing dishes when he snuck in the back door.

“Jeff, can I have a word with you?” she asked. Her tone was one that conveyed love but motherly concern. She looked over her shoulder and smiled at her youngest son.

A tight strangled feeling gripped at Izzy’s throat as he walked over to the sink and stood beside his mom. Whenever she wanted to talk about something serious she asked when she did dishes. Scooping up the dish towel, Izzy started to dry the dishes and waited for her to start the conversation. Her shoulder brushed against his and he felt her motherly love from that minor touch. His breathing hitched as he considered his position and how it was finally just them in the house. She was here and he would be safe.

“I need to ask you something and I want you to be honest,” she said handing over a plate.

Izzy tensed up and his hands started to shake. He tried to focus on the task at hand and dried the plate. The words stuck in his throat causing him to choke out a pathetic yes. He didn’t notice that more than his hands were shaking.

“Honey, you’re shaking. What’s wrong?”

His mom’s small hands left the soapy water and she dried them on her apron before placing them upon his son’s shoulders. Her blue eyes stared into his and even though he couldn’t hear the words she was say he saw her lips moving. “You need to breathe. I’m right here, it’s ok,” she cooed. Her arms wrapped around his shoulders and pulled him into a hug.

Izzy tried to muffle his small sob but it escaped him and he wrapped his arms around his mom. Even if he was taller now the warm embrace of his mom still brought him comfort. She breathed calmly and even when her words were lost because he was crying to hard, she encouraged him to listen to her and breath with her. He wanted to tell her what was wrong, they were alone, and he could openly tell her but every time he tried he choked on the words.

When he finally managed to calm down enough to let go of her, she led him over to the kitchen table to sit. Her small delicate fingers pushed his hair behind his ear and she smiled at him with all the love a mother could have for her child. “Jeff, Paul saw you kissing Billy in the garage,” she said in a hushed manner.

Izzy’s cheeks burned with embarrassment as his mom looked at him.

“Honey, I want you to be happy and if it is a boy that makes you happy I accept that. Just promise me that you’ll be careful, ok? There are bad people out there who might try to hurt you for being yourself,” she said.

Izzy’s heart stopped for a moment as his brain processed the words his mom said. If only she knew.

**1985**

“How’s Izzy doing?” Duff asked when Slash finally emerged from the shared bedroom.

The tired look in the young man’s eyes said it all. Even if they had a break through with the letter, Izzy had nightmares all night. With nightmares came the resistance to go back to sleep and that was when Slash’s patience grew thin. “He’s finally asleep,” Slash grumbled as he walked into the kitchen to grab some coffee.

“Maybe you should get some rest too,” Duff suggested from his spot in the living room.

It was still early in the morning and now everyone was lounging about the house. Duff had managed to get his way and convinced the other boys to help clean the house after their breakfast.

“You look like shit,” Steven giggled from his spot next to Duff.

“Oh thanks, two hours of sleep will do that to a guy,” Slash said dropping into the closest chair in the kitchen. His cup of coffee forgotten for a moment as he lay his head down on the table.

Axl looked up from his Stephen King book and gave a cautionary look to the boys on the opposite couch. He didn’t want to leave the house today but if he had to drag the two blonde nitwits out into public just to give Slash some peace he would. When it came to Izzy he would do anything to make his friend feel better or aid Slash in that attempt. He watched as Steven reached over to pull at a piece of Duff’s blue hair and he knew that it was going to end in an explosive fight. For whatever reason the odd strands of blue left in Duff’s dirty blonde hair was a focus today and he wasn’t ready to deal with Slash imploding with rage over this ridiculous little fight. Slash screaming would cause Izzy to wake up and that would lead to him becoming upset. Then Izzy would think he had to handle everyone’s problems.

“Hey, Crimson and Clover. We need to go get that hair dye,” Axl said placing his bookmark into the book. He could see Duff’s face light up with excitement and Steven scowl as he withdrew his hand away from the taller man’s hair.

The two blondes got up and made their way to the landing leaving Axl behind in the living room. He dawdled a moment to put his book on the coffee table and sneak into the kitchen for a moment. He smiled softly at Slash who was now sitting up again sipping at his coffee instead of giving into the sleep he so desperately needed. “I’m going to keep them busy for a few hours so if Izzy wakes up, tell him I took the Chevelle,” Axl said.

“Yah, thanks. I appreciate it,” Slash mumbled sleepily.

“Try Abbey Road. He loves that album,” Axl winked as he turned on his heels and made his way towards the land to shoo the two blonde ‘children’ out to the car.

**1983**

“I don’t dance,” Izzy laughed awkwardly as Slash tried to pull him up from his comfortable seat on the couch.

The sound of Come Together hummed through the room as Slash continuously teased Izzy and tried to make him get up off the couch. While cleaning their room, he found Izzy’s records and he couldn’t help but feel nostalgic looking at the Abbey Road album. He remembered his parents dancing to songs together and it gave him butterflies. Those memories inspired him to ask Izzy to dance much to his struggle it seemed.  They were home alone and it was the perfect time to be a cheesy romantic.

They were new to this relationship. They kissed and touched but they had yet to share the most intimate part of themselves with one another. Izzy remained a mystery. He avoided those personal questions with blushing cheeks and weak little smiles. He twirled his long brunette hair around his finger nervously when he was considering an answer. Those were the little things that made Slash fall in love and he catalogued each of them in his memory.

The sound of silence clicked in for a moment as the song switched and a familiar guitar riff filled the room. George Harrison’s voice soon followed and Izzy looked up at his boyfriend with a sympathetic smile.

“Please?” Slash beamed.

Izzy rolled his eyes and allowed Slash to pull him onto his feet. His left hand rested on Slash’s shoulder and his right hand was already intertwined with his boyfriend’s. “Just so you know, this is weird,” Izzy giggled as he shuffled closer to Slash.

“Don’t ruin the moment. One day this could be our song,” Slash said resting his hand on Izzy’s hip and pulling him in as close as they could get.

The heat rose in Izzy’s cheeks and he couldn’t stop that toothy grin that was forming on his face. He never thought the day would come when a boy would want to dance with him. Especially to one of the most romantic songs he knew. They swayed together in the small living room. The ugly green shag carpet beneath their feet and the dim lighting didn’t do justice to the place but in that moment, everything was perfect.

Slash hummed along with Something and Izzy knew he would love that song forever because of Slash. There was no rush or end game, only a moment that he got to share with the one person who didn’t make him feel like he was damaged. Snuggling into the safe hold of his boyfriend, Izzy let everything sink in.

One day, he would give Slash everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole Beatles thing is because that is the memory I have of my parents. They were always dancing to The Beatles.  
> Mom level Axl, Duff and Steven picking at each other like bad little kids. It seemed like time to get these guys involved!  
> Anyways, I thought we could see a little 1983 Izzy and Slash ;) all courting love and such!


	5. Chapter 5

**1980**

The pain was unbearable as Izzy tried to pull his shirt over his head.

Around him the other boys in the locker room watched him closely. None of them wanted to ask but they saw the large purple and black bruise on Izzy’s ribs. It looked painful even without seeing the smaller boy wincing in pain. They wondered and yearned to know the answers but no one was brave enough to confront Izzy who was flinchy naturally. It was one of the football players who hinted to Axl that his friend had a massive bruise on his body. Axl snuck off the field and into the locker room to find his best friend.

The hunt was short in the empty room. Axl found Izzy standing at his gym locker trying to shuffle into his clothes. His rigid manner set off alarm bells as the redhead approached cautiously. He didn’t want to spook Izzy, lately he was more inclined to flinch or startle easily. He made his presence known with his usual greeting, “What’s up short stuff?”

The playful nickname didn’t really apply to him anymore since Izzy had gain two inches of height making him taller than his best friend. There was some comfort in the familiar nickname and that eased his tension a bit. He tried to pull his mouth into a smile before turning around to face Axl.

Axl saw the aggressive bruise on Izzy’s pale skin and he wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch him. He wished he could ease the pain and inflict the same pain onto whoever hurt his best friend. “Let me help you,” Axl offered.

“I’m fine,” Izzy mumbled as he stared into his locker. He knew Axl was staring at his back, almost willing him to turn around. His words were code for concern and confirmed trust. He liked that Axl stayed a comfortable distance away from him as he tried to compose himself. The shooting pain running up his side when he moved or breathed caused him to wince. His hand came up to hold his affected side by instinct.

He wanted Axl to leave him alone.

A soft hand tugged the white t-shirt from Izzy’s hand. “Whatever you say, Isbell. Lift your arms up,” Axl said gruffly. He came off as tough but it was a front. He knew authority made Izzy listen and it seemed to be the only way to get his friend to compile. Axl waited for Izzy to turn around and face him. Instead Izzy raised his arms weakly above his head, the pain causing his arms to shake. He didn’t want to look at Axl, he was weak and this was showing his vulnerability.

Axl hummed a Rolling Stones song as he came into Izzy’s space. He didn’t bother to push Izzy to turn around and face him. He opted for the loving approach he used with his younger siblings. Axl treated Izzy as though he might break when he threaded his arms through the garment. He felt the shaking of Izzy’s arms as he pulled the shirt down onto his body. His eyes mapped out skin he knew all to well and took in marks that were new. His fingers accidently grazed over Izzy’s sharp hips as he unrolled the last of the t-shirt.

“How bad does it hurt?” Axl asked when he saw Izzy slowly bring his arms back down to his sides.

Izzy shrugged in response.

“You don’t deserve this,” Axl said placing his hand on his friend’s shoulder.

“Leave it be,” Izzy warned. He kept staring into his locker so he didn’t have to show Axl his gratitude. His tears and pain were his problem not his friend’s.

**1983**

“Let me see,” Slash said grabbing hold of Izzy’s face.

The brunette scowled and allowed his boyfriend to fuss over him. He kept his blue eyes downcast and avoided looking at the brown eyes that were flooded with concern. It was a bloody nose, it wasn’t something worth so much concern. “It’s just a nose bleed,” Izzy said quietly.

“Don’t care how minor it is Izzy,” Slash said as he took his sleeve to wipe away the blood trickling from his boyfriend’s dainty little nose. He was careful to avoid the silver ring pierced through Izzy’s right nostril as he dabbed away the blood.

That loving kindness made Izzy look up at Slash, “You’re getting blood on your favorite shirt.”

“It’s just a shirt. I care more about you,” Slash said softly.

The butterflies in Izzy’s stomach fluttered about with that comment and made him hopeful that Slash truly loved him.

**1980**

Izzy stomped up the staircase and slammed his bedroom loudly. The excessive force shook the small house and drew the attention of everyone who was home. His mother emerged from the kitchen and shot her second born a look of concern before questioning him, “Joe, what’s going on?”

“Jeff lost his shit in the car after we left the prison,” Joe said looking in the path his younger brother retreated.

The trip up to the prison wasn’t so bad. Joe managed to get Izzy talking about school and his scholarship. They visited their dad every three months together. Izzy and Joe made the hour-long trip then sat in the visiting area. Sitting amongst other families who were miserably waiting for their loved one to show up. Usually their dad was in a good mood to see them but today he wasn’t. His focus was on Izzy.

All the unwanted attention caused Izzy to chew at his fingernails. His dad kept asking about all his episodes lately. His mom must have called him and told him about all his anxiety attacks. He kept asking if it was drugs or something else. His insistence made Izzy shut down and ignore his dad. In the car Izzy couldn’t breath, he wheezed and buried his head in his hands. There were tears that he never wanted his brother to see but they fell.

“Mom, he cried the whole drive home. What’s going on?” Joe asked looking to his mom for the answers. This wasn’t how his little brother acted. When he was really little he would cry when Joe bugged him to much but these were a different kind of tears.

She knew Izzy’s sexuality wasn’t up for discussion but she provided the best answer she could, “He’s stressed out with school.”

Joe rolled his eyes and started up the stairs to the bedroom he used to share with Izzy. He rejected to believe it was just school stressing his little brother out. He skipped the stairs quickly to find his answer. He didn’t knock when he arrived at the familiar door instead he pushed it open and slipped inside. Joe’s heart sank seeing his little brother sitting on the bed with his knees pulled up to his chest, his back planted firmly against the wall. Joe walked over to the bed and sat down. Before he got a word in edge wise Izzy shifted from his fetal position and lay down; his head resting on Joe’s knees.

Izzy didn’t care if he started to cry again. Joe didn’t pull away or chastise him only rested his hand atop his little brother’s head and smoothed out his hair in a calming manner. He noticed a few marks on Izzy’s neck and shoulder but didn’t ask.

“I love you, bud,” Joe said hoping Izzy would realize he was there for him and cared.

**1983**

Slash was pretty sure he was snooping.

He dug through Izzy’s bedside drawer in search of the necessary items for their romantic night. Tonight was the night! In hushed tones Izzy had dropped the hint that he was ready to take the next step in their relationship. They fooled around a bit but never went all the way. Slash’s bedside table had yet to produce anything useful aside from condoms. He wanted tonight to be special and having everything set out would make things go smoother. Slash knew how nervous Izzy was about their first time and he wanted to ease the nervousness.

Izzy’s bedside drawer had a lot of things ranging from cigarettes to condoms. A worn notebook caught his eye and he pulled it out of the drawer. The red cover was wrinkled and creased from being well loved. Slash knew it was an invasion of privacy to open the book but he flipped it open quickly just to have a peak. Inside he found his boyfriend’s loopy handwriting and what seemed to be lyrics or maybe poetry.

_Way to Go_

_Where'd ya go, where ta run_  
_Oh the ship got heavy, ya gotta turn it on_  
_Whaddya know, you don't say_  
_Oh the ship got heavy, you got and ran away_  
  
_It's all right for now_  
_Now is all that I've found_  
_How'd ya do, what ya done_  
_Oh the ship got heavy, ya gotta turn it on_  
  
_Get off a my back, leave it be_  
_Oh the wind is steady I'm gonna take a leave_  
_It's all right for now_  
_And now is all that I've found_  
_It's all right now_  
_And now is all that I've found_

Slash read over the page multiple times and was impressed by the words that were there. He flipped through the book and saw there were more of these little writing projects. It seemed Izzy liked to write song lyrics. He knew Izzy was smart and had a lot of creative ideas. Why didn’t he bring these into band practice?

“Can you not read that?”

Slash jumped a mile when that small voice broke him from his snooping. “Oh god, Izzy I’m sorry!” he said slamming the notebook shut.

“It’s ok. Put it back please,” Izzy said calmly. He had every right to be mad but he chose to be kind. He took a seat next to his boyfriend and watched him closely. Once his notebook was safely tucked back into the bedside drawer, Izzy rest his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“I was looking for the lube,” Slash admitted sheepishly.

Izzy giggled at that comment and decided to let his poor boyfriend off the hook, “The lube is in the second drawer, snoopy pants.”

“Hey, for what its worth, I think your lyrics are really good. Why don’t you every bring them to band practice?”

“Somethings are better left alone,” Izzy said snuggling into Slash’s side to distract him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for not getting the next installment up!  
> I was working on my other story and heading home for Thanksgiving!


	6. Chapter 6

**1980**

“Shut the hell up,” Paul barked angrily. He punched the smaller boy in the side causing him to gasp for air and whimper.

Izzy clasp his eyes shut and tried to stop his whimpering. The hand wrapped around his throat made him think twice about screaming again. He chose to put up a fight for once instead of allowing Paul to take what he wanted. He squirmed and made sure the older man would have to struggle to restrain him. His defiance was making Paul angry. He pushed at the bigger man’s shoulder and even dared to nip at him when he tried to kiss him.

“From the way you’re acting I’d swear you liked me roughing you up,” Paul grinned and tried to place a kiss on Izzy’s cheek. “Do you like it rough birthday boy?”

Izzy wanted to scream and try to draw the attention of someone. Paul slammed into his body continuously and didn’t stop no matter how much Izzy pleaded with him too. Izzy usually could keep his mouth shut but he was in pain. He wanted it to stop and he knew he was making the situation worse by putting up a fight.

“Oh, now you have nothing to say?” Paul’s voice was playful in a cruel way. He moved his finger from Izzy’s bruised neck to caress his cheek. He snapped his hips hard trying to elicit any sound from his victim.

All he got was Izzy whimpering.

**1983**

Slash ran his hand up Izzy’s side and his lips kissed a trail down his neck to his chest.

“I love you,” Slash whispered against Izzy’s sweat slicked skin. Each kiss and nip he placed upon his boyfriend’s pale skin were a declaration of his love. Beneath him Izzy was lost in a moment of pure pleasure, his mouth agape and the sweet sounds of his pleasure rang into Slash’s ear.

It took eight months for them to get to this day and Slash wanted what he assumed was Izzy’s first time to be the best moment in their relationship. Izzy’s shyness was endearing and one of the many mysteries that made his boyfriend unique. To Slash Izzy was pure and innocent; an angel in his eyes. He was talented and smart, he made Slash feel happier than any girl could and all he asked was for things to go slow.

Everything they did was done at a comfortable pace. There was no reason to rush, Slash knew when Izzy was ready they’d sit down to talk through it. Many of Slash’s friends rolled their eyes hearing that he wasn’t getting sex from his boyfriend but he respected Izzy’s wishes. He didn’t push or try to change Izzy’s mind. It was about trust. He knew there had to be a reason behind the waiting game but he didn’t mind. Every time Izzy crawled into his lap and straddled him, kissed him, and rolled his hips he marvelled in the affection. Slash touched what Izzy wanted him to touch and enjoyed the pleasured sounds they made because of each other.

Izzy’s legs tightened around Slash’s waist to pull him in close and deeper. His head lulled to the side as Slash showed him all the love and respect he deserved. Calloused hands gently cupped and touched his body in a nonthreatening way. Lips pressed kisses against his skin and warmed his soul. The odd nip caused him to moan and want Slash to give him more.

**1980**

Axl awoke to the sound of tapping on his bedroom window.

He groaned and forced his tired eyes to open. Whoever had the nerve to wake him up was in for a world of hurt once he left his warm bed. With his anger burning, he threw his bedsheets aside in one swift movement and stomped over to the window. He pulled back the blue curtains and readied himself for the wrath his was going to inflict on the person on the other side but his anger wavered.

On the other side of window was his best friend. His blue eyes full of tears pleading him to let him in. Axl flipped the latch on the window and gestured to Izzy to come in.

“My stepdad will kill me if he finds out you’re here,” Axl said shooting a glance over to his door. He crossed the room and locked his door. It wasn’t that there was someone in his room that would make his stepdad lose his temper, it was the fact that there were no friends allowed over after 10:00 pm.

Izzy struggled to keep his balance as he climbed into the small basement window. His legs were weak and his knees kept knocking together from the tremors coursing through his body. Wrapping his arms around his chest he tried his best to stay upright even though his body wanted to crumple into the fetal position.

Axl took in the appearance his friend in the moonlit room. His clothes were disheveled and his tall form was shrunken. He knew Izzy wasn’t shaking from the spring weather and he could see the tension building in Izzy’s shoulders. “Izzy, what’s wrong? What happened?” Axl asked walking back across the room.

“I can’t breathe,” Izzy gasped. His lungs burned as he gasped for air. He knew he was hyperventilating and his vision was starting to blur from the tears that poured from his blue eyes. His hearing was starting to tap out as the fishbowl effect took over.

Axl knew the risk he was taking as he came into Izzy’s space. He couldn’t watch his best friend break down like this and do nothing. He didn’t care if Izzy lashed out and he got hurt in the process. All Axl knew was the person standing in his room was a broken-down version of his best friend who was unknowingly asking for help. “Sh, it’s ok. Come lay down,” Axl said putting his hand lightly on his friend’s back and steering him towards the bed.

Izzy didn’t fight or lash out. He let Axl help him into bed and didn’t question him when he removed his shoes. He didn’t fight when Axl crawled into the bed next to him and pulled the covers up around them. The feeling of Axl’s hands rubbing circles onto his back and his beautiful singsong voice kept reassuring him that he was there. Axl’s chest was pressed against his as he encouraged him to breath and calm down. Izzy focused on his best friend’s voice and he tried his hardest to stop his muffled words that couldn’t provide an answer.

It was Axl’s lips pressing against his forehead that finally silenced his internal screams.

“I take it your birthday didn’t go well,” Axl said sadly. He didn’t know what made Izzy tick but he knew there was someone inflicting pain on his best friend. Whoever this bully at school was he intended to find him.

Izzy cuddled into the warm hold Axl had around him. His breathing was starting to even out as he relaxed into Axl’s touch. Those soothing circles being traced on his back started to lull him to sleep. “No but it is ok now,” Izzy mumbled tiredly.

“Well let me cuddle away those blues birthday boy,” Axl said pressing one more kiss to Izzy’s forehead.

He knew he couldn’t do much else for Izzy aside from find this bully and kicking his ass. He could offer him the odd kiss and cuddle but nothing else. He wished he had an interest in guys but he didn’t and he was aware Izzy had a minor crush on him. Izzy told him their affection was non-sexual, the words he used were platonic friendship. They shared a common friendly affection because they had been friends for so long. Axl didn’t know how to interpret that when Izzy explained it to him after their first kiss but he understood that Izzy had made a boundary for himself.

“Thank you,” Izzy said snuggling as close to his friend as possible.

“Anytime, Iz.”

**1985**

The sound of the front door slamming made Slash slump forward in his seat.

He was exhausted but also thankful that Axl offered to leave the house with their other friends. He needed sometime with Izzy alone. Since the bands rise in popularity there had been less time for them to spend alone together as a couple. The time they spent together was because of Izzy’s anxiety attacks. Which had been worsening lately.

Slash took a big swig of his coffee before getting up from the kitchen table. He had a few hours before the others got back and he was going to make the most of it. He left his mug on the table and walked into the living room. He crouched down and searched the small bookshelf that housed their records. His fingers traced along each spine in search of that record. The one that Izzy loved so dearly. The one they listened to when they shared their first dance as a couple in their dingy living room. Days spent listening to Izzy play Here Come The Sun on guitar and singing his heart out when he thought he was home alone. The album Izzy put on when he cleaned and danced around the house assuming no one else noticed his enthusiasm.

It was probably the most played vinyl in their house aside from Led Zeppelin. Carefully Slash extracted it from the packed shelf and removed it from its jacket. He knew how valuable it was even if Izzy would never admit it. He placed it gently onto their turn table and turn on the machine. The needle dropped with a static sound and the sound of Izzy’s favorite song sounded over the speakers. Slash cranked up the volume intent on waking Izzy up in the process.

He was pleased in his tired state as he climbed back up the stairs to their bedroom. He wanted to kiss every square inch of Izzy’s body and listen to his boyfriend moan. Kiss every ounce of pain away and chase those bad dreams away. Slash pushed the door open and Izzy was already looking at him. Blue eyes staring at him in that needy way he got sometimes.

“Abbey Road?” Izzy asked cocking an eyebrow. His eyes were full of lust and Slash was drawn in instantly. He approached the bed and started to pull his shirt up and over his head.

Slash tossed his shirt on the floor and watched his boyfriend eye his bare chest. “We’re alone. We’ve got the whole house to ourselves,” Slash said playfully.

“Thank god, get over here,” Izzy groaned pulling the blankets back and pulling his pj pants off.

Slash wiggled his way out his own pj pants and underwear almost falling over in the process. He couldn’t stop staring at Izzy naked before him. He had no restraint as he crawled onto the bed and one hand tangled into Izzy’s straight brown hair. His other hand caressing his boyfriend’s soft skin and pushed their naked bodies together. Izzy rolled his hips up causing friction between them.

“Such a tease,” Slash breathed out as his teeth nipped sharply at Izzy’s shoulder. Izzy squeaked out a surprised sound but calmed when Slash kissed the sore spot. He nipped and kissed his way up Izzy’s slender neck and jawline the whole time teasing his lover. “Maybe I should make you beg,” Slash said kissing the corner of Izzy’s mouth but not kissing him the way he yearned too.

A moan cut through the room when Slash ground his hips against his. “I’m seriously going to explode if you don’t fuck me,” Izzy groaned out.

“That wound up, eh?”

Izzy knew it had been a few weeks. To be more accurate it had been two weeks and four days since their last romantic encounter. With all their gigs and talk about their band recording some music, they were busy. They spent most of their time working, gigging, practicing, and writing new music. Wound up would be the milder form of how Izzy felt in this moment. Extreme hot and bothered would sum up how he felt with Slash touching his body right now.

“Get the lube! I’ll even make a show out of it for you,” Izzy moaned as Slash sucked on his earlobe.

Slash smirked at the desperation in Izzy’s voice, “What if I want to be the one making you moan and giving you pleasure?”

“Now you’re just being difficult,” Izzy whined. If Slash wasn’t going to touch him he needed too. He couldn’t take it much longer. His hand reached out for the bedside drawer. It seemed like years of practice paid off that he could blindly open the drawer and find the lube. He didn’t bother to fight over who was right; he handed the lube over to the younger man.

“A sensible choice. Promise I’ll make it quick,” Slash said pecking a kiss to Izzy’s lips.

Slash loved when Izzy surrendered everything over to him. Though he also loved when Izzy took control and bossed him around. There was something so hot about his boyfriend being authoritative. Popping the cap of the lube and he coated his fingers. He didn’t want to keep Izzy waiting. The only time he ever saw Izzy’s bad side was when he was horny and not getting what he wanted. “Ready?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a little emotional. I apologize. I tried to make it a little happy here at the end.


	7. Chapter 7

**1985**

“You have one minute to change the record and get the hell back up here!” Izzy moaned and pushed Slash away from him.

Panic set in as Slash jumped up from the bed and streaked his way down to the living room. Leave it to Izzy to decide he was sick of The Beatles. He scanned the records in desperation Led Zeppelin or Alice Cooper either one would do. His fingers combed through the collection till he saw it, Welcome to My Nightmare. How ironic Slash thought as he switched the record out and running up the stairs in his birthday suit. If Axl or the blondes were here he would never live this down.

Izzy grinned deviously when Slash returned to the bedroom, “It’s like you can read my mind.”

“Hm, can you read mine?” Slash asked sarcastically crawling back onto the bed.

“Shut up Izzy? Let me fuck you into the mattress?” Izzy giggled. He kissed at Slash’s neck and pulled him back on top of him. His free hand searching out the lube so he could distract his boyfriend but move things along. His hand stroked the length of Slash’s dick and he couldn’t help but moan imagining how amazing it felt in his hand.

Izzy’s body was thrumming with excitement. That tingling sensation he got when he was naked with Slash surged through him as he wrapped his legs around Slash’s waist. Their lips locked and Slash nipped at Izzy’s lip as he got himself situated. He didn’t have to ask if Izzy was ready, he broke their kiss and locked eyes with his favorite person before slowly pushing into Izzy’s waiting body.

A guttural moan got caught in Izzy’s throat and his back arched up from the mattress. His hands sought out his boyfriend’s shoulders so he had something to hang onto. He loved that Slash was cruel enough to make all his movements slow and calculated. Every thrust was a sensory overload for him and his toes started to tingle from how sensitive his body was. His moans were of all volumes as Slash’s arm snaked its way under his back to lift him up. Every movement intent on bringing Izzy pleasure. Slash knew that slow and sensual was Izzy’s weakness. It was borderline torture but full of passion.

“I love you,” Izzy moaned out. Slash hit his sweet spot and he couldn’t help but place a lazy kiss to Slash’s mouth because of it.

It didn’t matter how dirty they talked to rile each other up, they always had passionate sex. They worshiped each other and savored the time they had together. Slash knew it was because they fell in love before Izzy even said he was ready. That love and affection was one of the things that kept them strong as a couple.

“I love you too,” Slash whispered.

**1980**

They combed through the Chevelle in search of an answer.

Axl’s hands were covered in oil as he tinkered around with the engine of the prized car. When Izzy got out of his final class they’d walk home together and worked on the car. Axl spent every waking moment he could with Izzy after his breakdown. The night of Izzy’s birthday changed everything. He couldn’t get an answer from Izzy but he knew he had to try to protect him. He searched and inquired with others around the school but no one had an answer. After school Axl would spend time with Izzy working on the car and doing homework even if his grades were to low to raise. He let Izzy talk his ear off about English and tried his best to pay attention when he talked about history.

The car was a great distraction. Axl had a limited knowledge from what shop classes he attended but he knew more than Izzy. The goal was to get the Chevelle running. For whatever reason Izzy made this a priority and Axl couldn’t say no to him.

“Do you think it will ever run?” Izzy asked meekly. He paced around the garage as if he was nervous.

Axl wanted to tell him the truth that it probably wouldn’t. They needed to enlist the help of someone who knew more about mechanics. He didn’t have the heart to burst Izzy’s bubble. It seemed to be one of the only things that kept his best friend going. Aside from their band practices, Izzy lost his interest in a lot of things he liked to do. The drums were abandoned for guitar. Izzy didn’t play video games or read comics anymore. He didn’t like to watch TV or go out to parties. His nose was in a book or hanging out at home. He wasn’t the same person he was a year ago and it showed. Axl missed his best friend. It seemed ridiculous missing someone who was standing no more than a foot away.

Biting his tongue, Axl gave Izzy a confident smile, “It will and I won’t give up on it.”

That comment made Izzy smile and he returned to Axl’s side to help with the engine. Axl’s comment had a double meaning and it eased the constant worry Izzy had.

He wouldn’t survive this summer at home.

He needed this car. It was his only hope.

**1985**

The afternoon sun tucked itself behind a cloud and hid from the world.

Inside the dimly lit house there was silence. The record long over and the two occupants laying comfortably in their bed. Slash passed the cigarette back to Izzy who inhaled the nicotine in one long huff. A calmness overcame him as he settled into his surroundings. He was in bed with the person he loved most in the world. Their room was a haven as their naked bodies lay tangled together in post orgasm bliss. Every anxious or depressed feeling was sedated for now as he enjoyed the high he was riding. His body craved this natural high.

“Saul, can I ask your opinion on something?” Izzy said looking lovingly up at his boyfriend.

Slash hummed in acknowledgement and looked down into the pool of blue eyes staring at him. “Of course, what’s going on?”

“I want to ask something personal,” Izzy said leaned across Slash’s body to put his cigarette out in the ash tray.

Slash’s hands pulled at Izzy’s hips encouraging him to straddle him so they could look at each other. He wanted to give his boyfriend his full attention especially after he was so willing to talk about his past. When Izzy climbed on top of him, Slash rubbed his hands on the brunette’s thighs and looked at him. After everything that they had been through in the last 12 hours, he wanted to keep looking. Izzy was beautiful and nothing changed. This was the man he fell in love with and he respected him even more because of his strength.

“I, um this is embarrassing,” Izzy said. His cheeks were burning red hot and the blush made Slash want to pinch his adorable cheeks. “I don’t know why I’m even asking this. When Paul did stuff to me it wasn’t, ah wanted but with you I wanted it. Would you consider it, me, god this is so embarrassing! Forget I asked!”

Izzy’s hands came up to hide his burning face. He regretted ruining this perfect moment with such a ridiculous conversation. Slash’s hands stopped rubbing his thighs and gently clasped around his wrists. He pulled Izzy’s hands away from his face and instead of a judgemental look, it was a look of understanding and unconditional love.

“Look at me.” Slash said hopefully. He waited till those blue eyes were looking at him again. The odd strand of brunette hair was in the way and Slash let go of one thin wrist to sweep them out of Izzy’s eyes. “If you’re asking I feel that it’s been on your mind for two years. You shouldn’t be embarrassed tater tot. It is very brave to face your past and try to talk about it,” Slash said tucking that final strand of hair behind his ear.

Izzy nuzzled into the touch.

“Izzy, in my opinion you lost your virginity to me. He didn’t take that from you emotionally and what he took physically wasn’t something you consented too,” Slash said reassuringly. He would say it everyday if it would make Izzy feel better and help him move forward.

Izzy’s mind stopped racing with questions and that natural high was still there as he leaned over to rest his head on Slash chest. He allowed the words to sink in and he knew one of the many weights had been lifted from his shoulders. His mind replayed those words on a loop in his head. It was like a song stuck in his head and for the first time in five years he was completely at ease. It was Saul and it would always be him. Axl was his first crush and first kiss but Saul was the first person he ever loved and the first person he gave his whole self over too.

“Thank you, Saul,” Izzy said optimistically. Slash’s words kept looping as he closed his eyes and let sleep finally take hold of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how I feel about this one...  
> Maybe I've got cold feet over this because I'm not actually home yet! Yay for being on planes and waiting for trains...


	8. Chapter 8

**1980**

Izzy scowled as he walked across the small stage to get his diploma.

The principal announced his accomplishments as he crossed the stage and he wished he could shrink away into his graduation gown. It was embarrassing hearing all his accomplishments read aloud to all the parents and other students. In the audience he knew his family was sitting there proud and beaming that he was such a smart young man with a promising future. Little did they know his bright future had dulled away over the year. The escape to Georgetown was not going to dull the pain or gloss over that he was broken. His brain was too preoccupied to focus on school. He focused on the Chevelle which choked to life one dreary afternoon.

The small graduating class marched onto the stage and it was sad seeing only twenty people standing next to him. Izzy wanted to get away from these people. He hated being the center of attention as everyone around him stared. A familiar pair of brown eyes glared at him and he wanted to be sick. That person glaring had told him about their plans for the evening. He whispered how much he missed him and wanted to celebrate with him.

 Memories of calloused hands touching his body already made Izzy shiver in disgust as he walked off the stage to sit amongst his family. His mom and brothers hugged him. His grandma sang his praise and slipped him an envelope she told him to open later. Paul’s brown eyes glared and he said nothing.

“Shall we head home?” Izzy’s grandma asked. She had prepared a wonderful lunch in celebration of Izzy’s graduation and little did she know it would be the last day she ever saw her grandson.

**1983**

“Please leave me alone,” Izzy said irritated as the older man at the bar touched his arm. That disgust and dirtiness he always felt made him sick inside. He was frozen in place and trapped.

The loud music hurt his ears and the lights made his eyes sensitive. There were to many people crowded around him as he tried to catch his breath. He was drinking a rum and coke to settle his nerves. Part of his jitteriness was from his gig. The old man pulling at his arm and saying vulgar things to him made him tense and he tried his best to ignore him.

“Hey, he asked you to leave him alone. Fuck off pervert,” an angry voice said to the old man.

Izzy looked up to see a young man with a head full of black curls shoving the old man away. His stance challenging the guy to fight him.

“I’m sorry. You seemed a little distressed and I thought I could help,” the young man said turning back to Izzy and smiling. His brown eyes were warm and welcoming. His smile genuine as he took the empty seat next to Izzy.

Izzy’s cheeks burned a bit as he pushed a piece of his long brunette hair behind his ear flirtatiously. “I really appreciate it,” he said. It wasn’t every day a handsome stranger came to his rescue.

“I’m Saul,” the man said extending his hand.

Izzy took his hand and shook it, “Izzy.”

**1980**

“I have to head to work,” Izzy’s mom said sadly. Everyone was sitting around Izzy’s grandma’s house enjoying the meal. She stood up and walked to the front door.

Izzy got up from the couch and followed her to the landing. She looked at him and saw a sadness in his eyes but before she could ask him about it he pulled her into a hug. She hugged him back tightly like she used to when he was a small child. “I love you mom,” Izzy said squeezing her tightly.

“I love you too, Jeff,” she said. She hated having to break their hug and pull away. He was her youngest. The last of her children and now he was old enough to leave the nest. He had a future and she couldn’t be prouder of him but in that moment, she had a feeling she should stay. Izzy’s sad look remained and she wanted nothing more than to comfort her child instead of running to work. “I’ll see you when I get home,” she promised.

**1983**

“You have beautiful eyes,” Slash complimented.

Izzy’s hands were warmed around the coffee mug. He didn’t always go to diners at midnight with strangers he met at the bar but he was curious. Slash had a gig that night too. They talked about their bands and music. Slash laughed when Izzy ordered a piece of cherry pie and he revealed his preference for apple. They talked for hours about things they had in common and learned things they about each other.

“This might be forward but would you like to go on a date sometime?” Slash asked taking a bit of the apple pie in front of him.

The brunette was overjoyed, “I think I’d like that.”

Izzy didn’t know what would come of this chance meeting but the younger man had a lot of passion for music and he made Izzy feel normal. He smiled and talked like a normal person. His voice and demeanor were that of a gentle giant but provoked he would stand up for what was right. Slash’s hand eventually held Izzy’s across the table and made a connect between them.

“Let me walk you home,” Slash said when the sun started to rise and they left the diner hand in hand.

**1980**

He didn’t look back. Behind him the sign saying, ‘Now Leaving Lafayette’ started to fade and the sun was setting in the distance. His hands gripped the steering wheel tightly as he drove. It distracted him as he pushed down his fear. He already missed his mom and they had only parted two hours ago. He wanted to tell her he was leaving for Los Angeles but he couldn’t. The thought of her crying or being worried about him in the big city was to much for him to bear.

He wasn’t ready to leave Axl behind either. The redhead promised to join him in LA as soon as summer ended. He explained they would need money and he would support Izzy the best he could. He handed Izzy a wad of cash and told him to use it in an emergency. They hugged for what felt like an eternity before Axl pushed him towards the car and told him to get going.

Izzy’s eyes were blurring as tears stung at his eyes.

He was leaving the only family he knew. This would be his first trip ever outside of Indiana and he was scared. What if he couldn’t find a place to live or a job in Los Angeles? What if he was to ambitious following his dream of working in music? What if he changed his mind and wanted to attend university? What would happen if Paul found him?

All the what ifs made it hard to breath or formulate a clear rational answer.

Pangs of regret surfaced because he didn’t leave his mom a note. He didn’t tell his dad or brothers his intentions to leave. He disappeared after supper in his dad’s Chevelle. Suitcases packed with clothes and his records, his guitar placed lovingly into it’s case, and a few snacks for the road. He had enough money to get him to LA and hopefully make a month of rent. As he drove down the highway for the first time in his life he was unsure of his future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> snippets of 1980 and 1983.


	9. Chapter 9

**1985**

“Hold still,” Izzy said compassionately. He was applying eyeliner to Slash’s brown eyes. He was trying to avoid getting his hand near the other man’s mouth because he would press kisses to the palm of his hand. Each kiss causing him to potentially mess up the line he was drawing.

Backstage everyone was bustling around getting ready. This was their biggest gig. The one that would put them on the map and seal their future with record deals. Each of them was nervous for a different reason but Izzy was nervous that it was all a dream. He feared he would wake up and be back in Lafayette. It seemed to good to be true that they were finally going to be signed. Izzy reread the letter they received in the mail to avoid pinching himself.

“Are any of you nervous? Because I am,” Duff said pacing around the dressing room.

Steven was drumming on the back of the couch in his usual warm up routine. He didn’t answer any questions just kept drumming. He was completely lost in the music that played in his head.

“You’ll be fine,” Axl said as he backcombed his hair. He watched Izzy and Slash in the reflection of the mirror. He was surprised how calm Izzy had been for the past month. The nightmares had dissipated and he spent less time locked in the bathroom having one of his emotional breakdowns. There was no forcing him to leave bed to attend band practice or tread lightly around the house. Axl knew he couldn’t ask Slash to tell him all the details but he knew one day maybe Izzy would want to talk to him too.

**1983**

The first time they jammed together Axl and Izzy knew they needed to start a band with Slash and his friends.

“He’s amazing,” Axl chattered away. He was easily excited by the prospect of forming a new band. Hollywood Rose was good but there was potential for something more.

Izzy lit up his cigarette and listened to Axl talk about Slash. Knowing that his friend approved was going to make it easier to tell him Slash was his boyfriend. He inhaled the smoke and enjoyed the moment a little longer. “What would you think if I told you he was my boyfriend?” Izzy asked.

“Are you serious!” Axl said excitedly as he bounced onto the couch beside Izzy. “How long? Why didn’t you tell me you were seeing a guy? I’m your best friend!”

Laughing nervously Izzy watched his best friend’s face light up over the news. “I’ve been seeing him for almost two months. I would have told you sooner but I wanted to see how things went first,” he said happily.

“Are you happy?” Axl asked.

Izzy nodded his head and basked in the happiness around him.

**1985**

Slash loved watching Izzy get ready. He liked the way Izzy would brush his hair to make sure it wasn’t knotted even though it was unruly and fell haphazardly in all directions. He found joy watching Izzy line his blue eyes with eyeliner then ask if it was too much. Every gig Izzy would ask him if he wore to much make up and worried someone would come after him. Slash knew he feared being called one of the many derogatory words that hurt.

“You look gorgeous Iz,” Slash said. Izzy was shimmying into his tight leather pants, each wiggle of his butt made Slash wanted to pull him into the dressing room bathroom. He wore that lace shirt that tied up in the front and some jewelry. Slash loved when he wore that shirt. It was easier to get off once they got home. Right now, Izzy was a sight to be seen and it made Slash appreciate how lucky he was to be his boyfriend.

Izzy blushed and grabbed his cowboy boots, “Stop it.”

“This is going to be an amazing show,” Slash said changing the subject. Izzy waltzed his way back over his boyfriend and sat on his knee. Being dramatic Izzy pushed Slash’s top hat down farther onto his head and giggled.

“We go on in five,” Duff said walking back into the dressing room to warn everyone. His head of blonde backcombed hair bobbled as he walked. He had Izzy to thank for helping him dye his hair back to blonde after the dreaded blue vs green fight broke out again.

The room returned to a jittery chaos. Everyone was grabbing their instruments and downing their drinks. Izzy stayed sat upon Slash’s knee till they were called to the stage. He pressed a kiss to Slash’s lips before walking onto the stage with his guitar in hand. Tonight, they opened the show with a song he wrote. The lights were bright and warm as everyone climbed the stage together. The audience roared in the venue and Axl greeted them with his usual energetic voice. Duff stood by Izzy and waited for the cue. Across the small stage Slash looked over to his boyfriend and nodded. Tonight, was the start of their future.

The music was loud. The audience screamed and begged for more after the hour was up. Each of the band membered were covered in sweat and exhausted. The audience was disappointed when the last song ended and the band walked off the stage. Izzy followed Slash off the stage and back to the dressing room. Each of them feeling a different kind of natural high. Duff and Steven headed straight for the case of beer on the table and Axl light up a cigarette.

Slash hugged Izzy close and kissed his forehead before sneaking off to get them beers.

Izzy walked to the dressing room door and leaned in the doorway. He looked down the long hall and saw the familiar face of someone he’d known all his life. Her face had hardly changed in five years and her blue eyes still conveyed all the love in the world. Her arms opened and beckoned him to come to her.

He pushed himself away from the doorframe and walked towards her. His body shook and his eyes itched from being so elated. He had so many questions. So many things he needed to tell her but first he needed a hug. The walk was a short distance and he threw his arms around his mom’s body. He buried his face into the thicket of brown wavy hair and felt her arms wrap tightly around him.

“Mom,” Izzy couldn’t control his sobs.

She cooed to him and held him closely to her body like she would have when he was scared as a small child. “I’ve missed you so much Jeff,” she said lovingly.

“I missed you too,” Izzy said.

From the doorframe Slash stood watching. It had been Axl’s idea to invite Izzy’s mom to the gig after Slash mentioned Izzy missed her. It was hard to keep secrets from his boyfriend but he knew this was a happy reunion and much needed. Izzy talked about calling her numerous times in the last month but never could get enough courage too.

“I go by Izzy now,” he said pulling away from the tight hold to look at her. They shared so much in common from their looks to their intelligence and he wanted to sit down and talk. He wanted her to know everything that happened in the last five years and why he never called her or returned home. Most importantly, he wanted her to meet Slash.

Her soft hand wiped away his tears and she kissed his cheek, “I’m so proud of you, Izzy.”

“There is someone I want you to meet,” Izzy said taking his mom’s hand and hinting for her to follow him. He led her down the hall where Slash waiting in the doorway.

Slash grinned at his boyfriend and his mom as they came over. He fidgeted and pulled off his top hat wanting to make a first good impression.

“Mom, this is my boyfriend Saul,” Izzy said proudly.


	10. Chapter 10

**1991**

It took everyone by surprise when Izzy told them he was quitting the band.

Axl was furious and rejected to talk to him. He felt betrayed that Izzy wanted to leave and have his own solo career. Duff had a feeling when Izzy introduced them to Gilby that there was a reason behind it. Slash pouted realizing his boyfriend wouldn’t be on tour with him anymore but he knew Izzy wasn’t happy.

Slash leaned against the bathroom door waiting for Izzy to calm down. On other side Izzy had his back pressed to the door crying. The situation had not changed only the house. There was no shag green carpet to pick at to distract himself instead Slash picked at the studs on his boots.

“I want to write my own music and sing my songs,” Izzy sobbed through the door.

Slash understood. Axl’s rein of terror was too much to deal with now because of their rise in fame and Izzy became miserable. “Then that is what I want you to do,” Slash said calmly.

The past didn’t haunt Izzy as much as it had. The rise of fame brought drugs and booze into his life. It was hard to avoid when Slash was doing both regularly. All it took was one gig where everyone was trashed for Izzy to see this wasn’t what he wanted. He got off the drugs and tried to keep the band together. Axl demanded too much from him and he hated handing over his lyrics to the band when they hardly appreciated them.

Slash did the most decent thing he could do for Izzy in their eight-year relationship. He sobered up the four months he had off to spend with Izzy and helped him find people for his new band. He pulled the worn red notebook from Izzy’s bedside drawer and encouraged him to keep writing. They jammed for hours and Slash loved watching Izzy write. Soon the red notebook was filled and Izzy had to buy another notebook. He leaned over that new notebook and filled the pages with more lyrics.

Those four months went fast and soon Slash was standing in the airport waiting to board a private jet. Izzy waited with him till he could board. Around them stood Axl and his wife, Duff and his girlfriend said their goodbyes and Gilby’s whole family was there seeing him off. Izzy hugged Slash and kept peppering kisses to his face.

“You can call me every day,” Izzy said between kisses. They got cellphones lately to stay connected while Slash toured for the next six months. He knew Slash was scared about him returning home to Lafayette while he worked on the songs with his new band. They would meet up in six weeks when Guns N Roses came through Indiana.

Slash rest his forehead against Izzy’s. For once in his life it was Izzy holding him up as he felt like he was going to drown. “I don’t want to leave you,” Slash said his voice wavering.

“I know but I am following my dream and I am thankful you’re supporting me,” Izzy whispered.

They stood there lost in each other. It was Slash whose eyes were damp and Izzy wiping away the odd tear that fell. The first call sounded in the waiting area. The other boys pulled away from their wives, girlfriends, and children.

“Saul, it’s okay. We will make it through this. We’ve made it through worse,” Izzy said kissing Slash’s chapped lips. He didn’t want to let him go either but they each had dreams for their musical futures.

The second warning call for all passengers to board the private jet sounded and Izzy broke their kiss. Slash looked sad as he wiped his tears away with the back of his hand. “I love you so much. I’ll call you as soon as I’m at the hotel,” Slash said pecking Izzy on the lips.

“I love you too,” Izzy said getting a little emotional. “Here. Read this when you’re on the plane or missing me.” Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulled out an envelope and handed it to Slash.

Izzy watched Slash take the envelope and shove it into his pocket before giving him one last kiss before running out to get on the plane. He stood there a long time watching the plane fly off and soon disappear. It scared him to be alone but they would see each other again. Six weeks would go fast and they would be in each other’s arms soon.

Sighing, Izzy walked out of the airport and into the hot sunlight. His dad’s car waited in the private parking stall, ready to make its way back to Lafayette to be returned to his dad. He sat there a moment and lit up a cigarette. On the dash sat a cassette tape case he had never seen before and he reached for it.

Abbey Road.

Smiling Izzy opened the case and found a small piece of paper in Slash’s messy writing.

_I don’t want to leave you now but I'll see you soon. Have a safe drive – Saul xox_

Tears of joy brimmed at Izzy’s eyes as he laughed and popped the cassette into the cassette player. Turning on the old car the music flooded the small space and Izzy couldn’t wait to get back to Lafayette. The sooner he got there the sooner he would be reunited with Slash. He put the car in reverse and drove out of the parking lot. Eleven years ago, he had desperately drove out of Lafayette and never looked back. Today, he drove towards his hometown. As he drove the sun started to set on the day and he saw a sign indicating he was now leaving California. All he could do was go forward his past was now behind him and his future was straight ahead. For once in his life he could put his anxieties to rest and say it was all right.

 _Get off a my back, leave it be_  
_Oh the wind is steady I'm gonna take a leave_  
_It's all right for now_  
_And now is all that I've found_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was an interesting experience. Thank you to all who read this.


End file.
